Paranoia, and the art of caring too much

I’m not sure if paranoia is a side effect of social anxiety, or it’s just another thing I deal with on a regular basis. The crushing paranoia that this person hates me, that that person talked about me behind my back, that every time I walk past a group of friends laughing, it’s directed at me. How foolish I feel when I realise that OF COURSE I’m not the one being laughed at. And then how utterly scared I am when I doubt my own logic – maybe they ARE laughing at me…after all, my shoelace was untied, my hair looked a bit funny, my walking style is different from usual?

This is the kind of struggle my brain works its way through, pretty much every day. For example, today in school. I was sitting, doing my work, and I looked up and around me, I don’t know why, maybe I got bored of my work for a second, or reached the end of a long paragraph in my essay. But for whatever reason, I looked up, and it just so happened that as my eyes wandered I caught the eye of someone across the room. So, naturally I smiled, the kind of awkward smile you make when you catch the eye of someone you’re not especially close with. And they smiled back. All good. I went back to my work. About a minute later, I looked up again. Somehow I managed to catch the eye of the same person, accidentally…again. This time, I didn’t smile; I quickly looked down again. And then it’s awkward. But that’s not the end, oh no. My brain was churning, and I just HAD to look up again…and this time I caught their eye instantly. Just as instantly, I looked away again. It was different this time. Now, I’ve got into the mindset that the person thinks I’m watching them, or stalking them.

That kind of thought process really frightens me, because I am the sort of person that wants everyone to like me. I really hate it when people don’t like me, because it must be something that is wrong with ME, that I’VE done wrong. So paranoia hits me hard.

I don’t have a very good memory. I always do really badly in that memory game where you lay things out on a table and then get a minute to memorise them, before you have to try and remember what you saw. Memory…bad. But when it comes to events I thought went really badly, that I have paranoia about, I remember for years. I still remember things from 7, 8 years ago, that were such minute details, no one should ever remember them. My mind doesn’t let me do that.

Anyone else feel the same way? Or, even better, ways to stop it happening…

Music vs. People

Most people quite like music, of one sort or another. The difference between them, and me, is the amount that we like music. I love music. Like, I really love music. I can’t play any instruments, and my singing angers people(not a jealous anger, more like an anger that fills them with dread), but with my earphones in, a song playing, drowning out the world, I am truly transported, and I am who I want to be. A careless, free individual with only happiness and Billie Eilish lyrics floating around in my head. I listen to a pretty wide variety of music. Mostly popular pop, some less popular pop – shout out to Quinn XCII, who is an amazing artist – some older pop that I grew up with that’s left an impression, even though the actual songs are not incredible. Even a couple mumble rap songs, including Post Malone and Lil Mosey. Believe me, it surprises me if I ever like a rap song…apart from some of the legendary Eminem songs of course.

But back to the title of the post. Music vs. People. It probably comes as a surprise to a lot of people, but often…I tend choose music over people. And here’s why.

Music is protective, safe, controlled. You know what you’re going to get when you tap ‘play’. Music envelops you like a big, warm hug. People are different. Sure, sometimes people can be warm and protective, but you can never predict what people will do and say. People are unpredictable, music is not. And that’s really why I love music so much. It’s something I can rely on to be there for me, and I can always find a song that says what I need to hear. I recently realised that music is so important to me, I want it to be with me permanently. Which is the inspiration for my dream to get this:

I hope this strange post connects with someone out there!

My ACTUAL First Post – Phone Calling

My life often hits me with weird encounters, and strange abnormalities within my own psyche. My fear of calling people on the phone is one of those. There’s just something about dialing the number of someone and hearing it beep agonizingly until the phone is picked up at the other end. And then I have to actually say WORDS, and the problem is dialed up with a few more knots in my stomach. I really, really, really, despise calling people. I just feel too intimidated to try. So, when I need my hair cut, I get a family member to call for me; if I need some help on a homework piece, I’ll text a classmate instead of calling(calling would be much easier for them to explain the problem); if my WiFi router suddenly stops working, I will do without YouTube until someone ELSE picks up the phone. I wonder if this is a solo problem, and no one will ever understand why I can’t do it, or if there’s anyone out there who feels the same way. Thoughts?

My First Post – A New Escape?

Hi there!

I’m very shy and awkward; I can’t have a normal conversation, and then people think I’m being a bit rude, but I’m really not.

— Eliot Sumner

Hello, potential reader!

Well, this is my first post. I’d tell you what to expect on here from me, but since I’m not really sure myself, I’ll leave future me to tell you. My idea for starting a blog actually came from a book I’m currently reading – Americanah by Chimamandi Ngozi Adichie – in which the narrator writes a blog on her problems with race, being in America as a non-American Black. So I suppose this blog will cover the troubles I face – not race, more like eternal awkwardness and inability to converse – and how it shapes my life.

Are blog posts supposed to be pages and pages? I suppose it doesn’t really matter what the ‘usual’ is, since I’m not exactly usual. So I’ll end it there. Let’s see where we go!

Me, Myself and I

So…me. Who am I? I might as well start with the basics. I’m a student, in my last year of school, going through the rush of studying and exams that I’m sure many of you are going through or have gone through. I like food, sports, video games…and food. I grew up around the world, from India to Ethiopia, eating my way through different cultures, drinking in the rich histories and beautiful landscapes. I currently live in Jordan, which suits me because of….you guessed it, the food!

But why did I start a blog?

  • I’ve always been quite awkward in social situations, have never liked or felt comfortable talking, and maybe writing about it will humanise the problem and help me deal with the sometimes very lonely…problem? Is it a problem?
  • But also, I just really like the idea of writing about myself!

So I got the idea to start a blog from a book I’m reading(check my first post for more details) and it got me thinking how fun it could be, having a community to talk and discuss things important to me. I’m not going to lie, the idea of getting money for doing it also drew me in. I do like to think of myself as someone who isn’t money-driven, but in this case, it was definitely an incentive. But, more than that, a blog could really grow me as a person, and who knows, it could be something to write about on my C/V in the future.

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