Things Worth Living For

Last Saturday, I came close to ending my life. I was advised by a friend (the same friend described here)that I should write a list of all the things that makes my life worth living. If you are in a similar mindset, I would highly recommend this. It won’t work for everyone, but if I can help even one person to see that there are reasons to live, when everything seems useless, that’ll be enough. I am now in a good mindset, so you guys don’t need to worry!

Here’s my list:

– Isabella (this is the person who has helped me so much through the last few weeks – and Isabella isn’t her actual name, for privacy reasons)

– YouTube

– Video games (I’m still technically a child, so don’t say I’m childish 😏)

– Food

– University?

– Changing the world (eg human rights)

– Alcohol (No, I’m not addicted)

– The World Scholar’s Cup

– The Dead2Red

– A-Level Results Day

– The day I get an offer from the University I want to go to

– Music

– Future, possibly brilliant, music

– Finding someone to love with all my might

– Pizza (I know I already said food, but I need a new category for pizza)

– Nachos (Ditto)

– My blog, and all of my brilliant community (I love you all 💕)

I realise that some items on my list you won’t understand, but you can look them up if you’re interested, because they’d take too long to explain.

Also, this is a really personal post, so I hope I don’t regret posting it

My First Milestone!?

This was never a post I thought I’d be writing this early in my blogging career…if you can call it that?

I have reached 50 followers…that’s absolutely insane, for someone who has repeatedly (ashamedly)tried to start a YouTube channel.

The fact that 50 different people thought my content was good enough to warrant a follow blows my mind, and I cannot thank you all enough for your graciousness and love.

I also want to say a quick shoutout to my first ever follower, Popils. Definitely go check out her blog at https://myvvoice.wordpress.com/ . She’s a lot bigger on here than me, but since she took the time to look at my work and liked it, I will try as hard as I can to spread the word about her own marvellous work on her personal experiences.

Once again, thank you.

I’m A Weird Sort Of Shy

Ok, so you may or may not know that my blog ‘title’ includes the word shy.

Most people, if they’re shy, are shy in every aspect of their life. Not me.

I’m really weird.

I don’t get shy talking in front of crowds, or while I’m playing sports, or when talking to strangers. I can’t keep up a conversation because I never have anything to say, but I’m not exactly shy. Just a little awkward.

However, when talking to people I know I am more than shy. I’m a shell. I just can’t ever think of anything to say, and that makes me so unsure of myself that I just don’t bother talking. Aswell as that, when I do say something, it’s always at the wrong time, or if I’m trying to be funny, it’s always the wrong thing said. I don’t know if it’s something wrong with how my brain is wired, but I just don’t work when talking personally to people.

Basically I can’t do small talk. Anything important, I’m good. I guess that’s part of the reason I want to go into a political career. And the fact that I want to save the world. Not in a heroic kinda way, just that I’m tired of all the inequality in the world.

How did I get so off topic?

Anyway, I hope you liked reading about my shyness. Oh wait, I’m also not at all shy on the internet. But that’s because I have as much time as I need to write a good sentence. There’s no pressure.

Life.

Songs I Love No. 2

I couldn’t think of anything to write today, so here’s another fave song of mine.

“Be Alright” by Dean Lewis.

I only found this song recently when watching a “Sad Songs Compilation” during one of my dark moods, but I instantly fell in love with Lewis’s just pure Britishness. Too many Brits sound like Americans, and Lewis saying “Mate” is the essence of being British.

Wow, anyone would think from reading this that I’m a stuck up patriot who hates the US.

I’m really not.

I hope you like the song!

Internal Monologue

I don’t know if this is something that a lot of people have, but it is definitely my most worrying quality (after self-harm maybe). My internal monologue.

I have a voice in my brain that speaks to me constantly, making me worried about the past, worried about the present and worried about the future. This voice tells me I’m useless, tells me I’m boring, tells me I’ve done wrong.

Let me give you a few examples.

The most common ‘internal monologue’ that goes on is my constant worrying that I’ve said something wrong, and the person I said that thing to now hates me. The reasoning behind most of these thought processes is flawed. Very flawed. For example, I once borrowed a rubber from someone, and didn’t say thank you. That night, my voice-inside-my-head beat me up, and made me believe that I was the most horrible human being on the planet (this is actually a made up example, but I’m not kidding when I say things very similar to this have happened, and my brain has had this very reaction). This made me send an excessive amount of apology texts to the person in question, who responded, very confused and obviously accepting of my “Sorry’s”.

Another major example is my internal voice making up scenarios. Similar to the first example, these scenarios usually arise from me doing something wrong recently, but also bigger mistakes from the past that actually do matter. Unfortunately, a lot of these scenarios revolve around death, and how everyone would respond. If I’m in a dark mood, then the outcome is usually that no one cares (in the scenario)and life goes on normally. In my lighter moods, the outcome is one of extreme sorrow and anguish from friends and family members (again, in the scenario). I might also add that please don’t worry! I’m definitely not suicidal. My brain just sometimes strays far from reality into dark corners.

The other type of scenario I think up is of a backlash from secrets that I have being revealed, and my closest friends completely abandoning me, seeing me for my ‘true horrible self’ – when I feel sad, I often think of myself as a bad person, when in reality I’m a pretty good person usually (not just a big ego, people do say it to me quite regularly, without me forcing them to I might add :)).

This had also happened on my blog already. Too often, when I reply to someone’s comment, or don’t reply, I feel like I’ve been rude, which may not be true. The comment may not have warranted a reply, just a like (which I do always try to do); the comments I reply to, which is most of them to be fair, I sometimes think are too un-emotional, and seem uncaring, or TOO emotional.

It’s a struggle, but the fact that I’m writing about it, and am aware, surely show that I can deal with it?

??

I hope.

Arbitrary Life Happenings

So this is going to be another weird post. Prepare to laugh at me.

I got my hair cut today. I really really like getting my hair cut. I just love the feeling of the cold metal touching the skin just above my ear.

Told you it was going to be weird, but don’t pretend you don’t like weird things too. I know you do hehe.

I also have gotten the help of an absolutely WONDERFUL classmate in school. If you didn’t know, I’ve been suffering from ‘depression’ for the past 4-5 years, and in the last month, it got a lot worse, but I opened up to this classmate, and she has been working wonders on my mental health. I never felt comfortable sharing my story with anyone before, so I don’t know what changed. Maybe since I started this blog (it’s a lot easier to open up online to people you don’t have to face in the real world)I’ve become more open? I definitely admitted to myself that I’m not ok, which is good. I don’t like lying to myself, I’ve realised.

I love humanity. Actually no. I love what humanity can be. This classmate/friend/trusted ally/best person in the world is what humanity CAN be. You, my readers (I love you all)are what humanity CAN be. A lot of the rest of the world is what humanity IS – lying, fake, money greedy evilness.

Maybe that’s a bit harsh, haha. The world definitely does need to change though, if it is to survive.

So, that’s the post. VERY rambly and all over the place, and not very substantial, but there you go. I actually have an AS Level resit exam coming up which is important for my Uni application, but hopefully I keep posting in my schedule of every other day.

Other People’s Sadness

This is a bit of a weird one…

So, a few days weeks ago, one of my classmates was having a shitty day stressing about A-Levels and University applications. Not abnormal. Year 13 is a stress fest.

Anyway, she was having a bit of a breakdown, and I suddenly started feeling the sadness she was feeling for myself

It’s not even in the usual sense where I feel sad FOR them. I mean obviously I do. But it’s like their sadness is transported to me.

Very strange. And then for the next few hours I’ll feel down.

I’m sure I’ve said before that I’m a weird person.😂

Songs I Love No. 1

This may become a regular post on my blog, I’m not sure. I just want to share songs that I absolutely love, and especially that mean a lot to me.

This song has meant a lot to me very recently in my bout of sadness.

One More Light by Linkin Park.

It’s such a sad song. It was originally written by Chester Bennington for Chris Cornell after he committed suicide, but only a month after it was released, Chester also killed himself, so the song takes on a much darker tone, if that’s possible. It resonated with me on so many levels, that I just had to share it with you all, so hopefully you can see, if you’ve never had ‘depression’ what it can be like.

Happy, Happy, Happy

I really don’t understand my brain. How can I go from the lowest point of my life (self-deprecation, self harm etc, read my posts titled Going Down and Nothing Really Matters)to where I am now, which is…almost HAPPY.

Now I say that with a grain of salt. I don’t think I’ve been truly happy consistently for about 5 years. I guess you could say my mental health hasn’t been top notch.

However, right now. Right now I feel good. And I’m proud of myself for that.

I realised it about 20 minutes, while I was having a shower. I honestly love showering. For me, it’s somewhere my dirty problems can be washed away momentarily by clean warm water. Also, going very off topic, I have this amazing vegan-friendly mint liquid soap. Unsurprisingly, it makes me smell of mint, which I LOVE.

Anyway, back to topic. In physical representations of my happiness, my friendships are doing fine (never amazing, but that’s ok), Im doing more exercise, Im eating tasty food without having too much junk, and I’m sleeping at least 7 hours a night, which is pretty good for me.

Happy. Bright. Sunshine. Etc. Feeling it right now. I don’t know how long this will last, or how real these feelings are, but I’ll take it.

I’ll fricking take it!

My Desire for, and Fear of, Attention

This post is going to show a negative aspect of my character. I’m not very proud of myself for feeling these emotions, but I like to be real and honest, and writing all this done is good for me.

So, attention. I love attention. No, I hate attention. No, I love it.

I think I love the IDEA of attention. The idea of having something happen to me that makes other people look at me and feel an emotion. The most common play through in my head is either: I run back into a burning building and save someone (and the person I save is usually my crush, so since I don’t have once right now, the person is a shadowy figure), OR something bad happens to my, eg I die, or get severely injured, and everyone cries or feels bad for me.

Yeah…quite egotistical. Quite un-humble. Quite dirty.

But the thing is, when things actually have happened to me, and people have paid attention to me, I’ve always been very awkward and not reacted how I always feel like I would in my fantasies. I guess that’s my shy/awkward side coming out. Which also creates a reason why I think up these fantasies in the first place – I’m fucking (I apologise for the swear word)lonely, a lot of the time. So imagining a world where I’m not lonely is imagining a happier world.

So is it really a bad quality? I don’t know. I’ll let you decide!

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