How My Friendships (Don’t)Work

I’m not an easy person to be friends with.

It all goes back to my shyness, awkwardness, and insane desire to never ever do anything wrong.

The biggest problem I have with being friends with someone is the talking part – and I know what you’re going to say, “Harry, isn’t talking the most important part of forming a good friendship?” And you’d be right. You need to talk to someone to understand them as a person and if you’re compatible with each other. And that’s the problem…I’m not very good at talking. Or, more specifically, small talk. I can talk for hours and hours to a friend about a deep topic, whether personal or political (the personal is the political, to be fair), but when it comes to just sitting with a friend and hanging out, I’m rubbish. And that’s where my paranoia kicks in, and starts to ruin the friendship (you can check out my last post Paranoia, to learn more about that). As well as that, I’m always trying to be as careful as I can, in order to not hurt my friends; this in turn has a negative impact, because I just end up not speaking because I worry anything I ever say will be bad in some way.

So, I’m not very good at being an interesting friend, which is quite sad, and honestly irritating for me, because I wish I could at least hold a 5 minute conversation with someone I like. But so be it. It wont change, so there’s no point worrying about it constantly, right?

By the way, I’ve been thinking of this for a while – you guys don’t really know anything about me. If you’d like me to write up a post of my life story, my political views?, my passions and my fears, then please let me know!

As always.

Paranoia

Over the past couple weeks, my paranoia became a big part of my life again.

Two weeks ago, my former best friend and I rekindled our dying friendship. We’re now good friends again.

And that’s where Sir Paranoia comes into full-blown, bloody action. Every time I talk to this friend, my mind plays tricks on me. My paranoia makes me believe that every action she does, and every action I do, means she hates me, or is bored by me. I constantly worry that when she looks sad, it’s because of me. I am always afraid…

I talked to my counselor about this (I think I’m going to make a separate post all about my counselor – strictly confidential of course – because she is the most wonderful person on the planet)and she helped me realise that I should try and face my paranoia head on, by talking to the friend about my struggle. That seemed like the hardest thing in the world to me at the time, but I said I’d try. And try I did. In the end it wasn’t even that difficult. I told my friend that I was constantly worrying that I wasn’t a good enough friend, and that she disliked me; she reassured me that of course she didn’t hate me, and that I was a perfectly fine friend. I also told her that I would probably need to constantly ask her these same questions, because what I feel now will be nothing like what I feel in 2 weeks.

That’s factually true, because even in the day since both those talks, I’ve begun to doubt myself again. It’s a vicious cycle.

So I guess the reason I’m telling you this is to ask a question: do you have any ways of dealing with social paranoia? If so PLEASE let me know.

Also, I just designed a new logo design profile picture thingy for my site. I’d love to know your thoughts on it – if you don’t think it’s very good TELL ME NOW and don’t worry…I won’t be offended. Remember, I doubt everything I do anyway.

As always,

Pointlessness

I’d say 6/7 days a week I think about this topic.

Pointlessness.

A bookshelf has a point – to hold books.

A pencil has a point, quite literally and also to write.

But I’m not a bookshelf or a pencil, and for the simple reason that they both have a point to existence, I envy them. Yes, that’s strange, but it is what it is.

I just wish I could find out what, if it exists, my point is. Is it to find love? I doubt it, I’m shy and awkward, so the chance of me finding someone to love is fucking low. Is it to change the political world? Again, I doubt it. I tend to bend under pressure, due to the lack of my own confidence.

Do you see where my problem lies now? The mysterious question that I’ll never be able to answer.

What is YOUR point to life? I’d love to know.

❤️

Identifying With Others

So I am always desperate to identify with other people about my personality and likes/dislikes. I guess most people become friends with people they identify with, but it just feels a lot a stronger with me, because if I don’t identify with anyone – which is a lot of the time – then it gets me down very quickly.

In this post, I’m actually going to talk specifically about movie/book characters that I try to identify with, and about my disappointment when I don’t.

The closest connection I’ve ever felt with a movie character is Brian (played by Anthony Michael Hall)in The Breakfast Club – by the way, second best movie of all time, don’t bother disagreeing with me. Never before had I felt so in tune with a character in the first half of watching a movie. Brian was nerdy, felt pressured to get good grades (although my pressure does not come from my parents), had felt suicidal, and didn’t really have many friends, as well as being decidedly uncool. I felt this sort of harmonious connection with Brian. Until I didn’t. The second half of the movie, a different Brian was shown, one who danced with no anxiety, one who talked endlessly, one who made friends.

I felt heartbroken. Of course, I was happy for Brian, but I had lost what had felt like a soulmate, and that crushed me.

It just made me realise how alone I really am in my life, and I’m not fishing for sympathy, that’s just the way it is.

Well, yet another ‘Strange Harry’ post that no one really understands! Hope you enjoyed anyway, what few of you there are.

Under the Weather

I’m so so so sorry everyone, I can’t muster the strength to make a proper post today.

I get really bad migraines and today I got one that’s incapacitated me for the whole day. Even looking at the screen right now, at the dimmest setting, is making my head boil like breakfast tea.

I’ll be back to my normal posting hopefully by Thursday.

❤️

Our Climate Catastrophe

Our world is in a state of limbo right now.

It won’t be like that for long. Soon, the ‘limbo’ will turn into a certainty of an ‘end’ – of an uninhabitable Earth, of a human species brought to its knees by its own volition.

I am of course talking of the environment crisis occurring as I write. In the Amazon, in California, and across the entire world, 7,700,000,000 people destroy the place we all take for granted through animal farming, plastic overuse, fossil fuel combustion, and so much more.

But it seems like at the moment, nothing much is being done about it, at least on a governmental scale.

Greta puts it much better than me: “People are suffering, people are dying, entire ecosystems are collapsing. We are in the beginning of a mass extinction and all you can talk about is money and fairy tales of eternal economic growth.”

What angers me the most about the whole situation is the utter selfishness of the human race. We are not the only beings on the Earth. We are just one of millions of species living here, and humans have put in jeopardy every single other living thing attempting to survive.

The reason I’m posting this now is because the stupidity of major governments to not make major changes in society has reached a new high. When YouTube, a community known for creating silly drama and horrendous choices(eg Logan Paul in Aokigahara forest), comes together to try and save the environment, it really shows how far behind governments are.

In case you’ve been living under a rock for the past 2 days, I’ll explain.

Recently, famous YouTuber MrBeast reached 20 million subscribers, and his community told him that for this milestone, he should plant 20 million trees. MrBeast took this to heart, and set up a fund to plant 20 million trees by 2020. He teamed up with the Arbor Day Foundation, and got them to agree to planting 1 tree every time someone donates $1. MrBeast himself has donated over $200,000 out of his own pocket, and the fund, in just 3 hours, reached $1 million donated. As of right now(5:38pm Eastern European Team, 27th October), over $4.52 million has been donated.

The fact that the YouTube community has come together for such an important issue warms my heart, it truly does. But more needs to be done, so no one get lazy!

Try, try, try to use less plastic in your households. Don’t use plastic bags, carry your shopping items. Don’t drive to the corner shop, walk the 5 minute journey. Don’t eat meat every meal, if you can. Every little helps, and every little thing you do gives us all a bit more time to live on this beautiful Earth.

Thanks for reading, and I hope I didn’t sound too snarky!

Caleb LeBlanc

I only found out about this story recently, and it really saddened me.

So there’s this YouTube channel called ‘Bratayley’ and it consists of a family of 2 girls and their mum (I don’t know about the dad). This channel has been going for a LONG time. The first video was posted in early 2011 and still gets millions of views a month.

Anyway, back then there was a 4th member of the channel. Caleb. He was the oldest of the three, born in 2002 (coincidentally the same year as me – I know, I’m super young). As the channel evolved, he became loved by the community as someone who really cared about things, and was extremely kind and loving.

Fast forward to October 4th, 2015. The Bratayley channel uploaded a video called ‘Dear Future Self.’ In it, Caleb talked about what he’d say to his future self. He said that he’d ask if Taco Bell was still around (as a joke)and then, seriously, asked what the new sports and crazes would be. Then the last thing he said before the video ended was “See you tomorrow.” It sounds like such a simple, meaningless sentence, but in that moment I rested up because we never saw him again. On October 1st(the video was posted a few days after it was filmed) Caleb died suddenly, due to hypertrophic cardiomyopathy, a condition that can causes swift cardiac arrest. One day Caleb was living life happily, and the next he was dead. Just like that.

Life is a gift…and I try to tell myself that every day.

I’ll leave the link to the YouTube video here: https://youtu.be/oZpJN86pNoA

Also, I might start a kind of series on sad events. I know it’s a bit morbid, but these stories really fascinated me in a horrifying kind of way.

As always, love you all

❤️

Seasonal Sadness?

I’ve never been diagnosed with depression or seasonal depression, or anything really.

But I do feel like I tend to get sad at certain points of the year, reoccurringly.

And those points are winter months.

The winter for me is the worst part of the year. It’s cold, wet, dark and just generally miserable. I guess a big part of the problem is that I don’t really like rain. It just makes everything seem so dim, and so it causes every negative thought I have during rain/winter to seem more vivid and lengthy.

I much prefer the summer months, when it’s warm, and I can lie outside on the grass just feeling the sun on my face while I lie there thinking about the happy times of my life. A lot of those thoughts are about food haha! But seriously, food is the love of my life, no joke.

So what I’m hoping for this year is that I don’t get that winter sadness. Because I really want to enjoy life. I really do.

Here’s to hoping your life, and mine, are happy and calming.

Socials

Hello everyone.

I recently re-downloaded Instagram. I used to have it when I was a lot younger, but it played havoc on my emotions, since there was always this pressure to keep up a ‘cool’ pretence online. I’m hoping that since my community on WP is mostly people I can identify with, that pressure will evaporate, and I can be normal on whatever social I’m on. So, that being said, you can find my Instagram here: https://www.instagram.com/harrymayfieldhowson/ . If that doesn’t work, my username is ‘harrymayfieldhowson’. If you need anything you can dm me.

Also, if any of you are good Instagrammers, I’d love some tips on how to do it all. Yikes, I sound old saying that.

I also have an email address you can contact me with if you ever have any queries or just want someone to talk to: harrymayfieldhowson123@gmail.com

I’m sorry there isn’t an actual post today, I’m just very busy studying for an important re-sit History exam on Wednesday. Imagine having an exam during the holiday – bleugh!

From Low to High

The past week has been a bit of a rollercoaster.

I went from seriously wanting to end my life, to now being in a pretty good mindset. Here’s how my week went by.

Last Saturday: I was feeling disgusted by myself, and also felt very lonely. Aswell as that, I was having one of my ‘What’s the point?’ bouts. I cut. I tried, feebly, to kill myself.

Monday: Still feeling gone, until a talk with ‘Isabella’ (read my last post Things Worth Living For to understand), in which she recommended the list idea, which helped SO MUCH.

Wednesday: As I walking to my English class after a fun time playing dodgeball with the whole 6th Form, the Secondary Head called me into her office. She asked me what I thought her job was. I said it was to liaison between staff and principal. She replied ‘No’, telling me how her first responsibility is student welfare/safety/management. She then told me how a teacher had seen what they thought were cuts on my wrist, and asked me if this was true. What could I say but yes? I then assured her that all this was in the past, that I was no longer cutting, that I was done. She said she believed me, but recommended me to see the school counselor. And then came the dreaded news – that my parents would have to be informed. At this point I was crying, but she said she had to, that it was school policy. That afternoon, my parents sat me down (my mother crying)and basically thought it was their fault, which I promised them it wasn’t. I’m lucky to have brilliant parents, so they could never do anything that would cause my bad thoughts. I told them aswell that the cutting was over. I also asked them to try and not act differently around me, because if there’s anything I hate, it’s people pining over me.

Very tumultuous day.

Thursday: I went to see the counselor, who was the NICEST and most helpful person I’ve ever known. I’ve always had a bit of fear and doubt over counselor’s helpfulness, but my mind was completely changed by this meeting. She just talked through everything I’ve ever felt, and made me feel a lot calmer about it all. She also gave me a list of things to do instead of self-harming, which I’ve included a photo of below.

The ones highlighted are the ones I thought looked most useful for me

There’s more for Thursday. Later, during lunch, I was called to the other counselor’s office (yes, we have two). When I arrived, my former best friend was sitting in there. We stopped being friends last year…and neither of us really knew why. A lot got lost in translation, and as we are both shy, we didn’t talk about the problems that were happening. But we did that day. We talked through everything that went wrong, and are now good friends again! I must admit, there were a few more tears shed.

So that was my week. I am GLAD I have a week-long holiday now. I just need to rest and relax (aswell as a lot of studying)and get back to school fresh and ready.

I hope.

Have a good day, everyone!

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