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Feeling Relatable

New video out on my channel now!

So, todays post will be another song I love to death and back again. As soon as this song came out I knew I had to make a post on it, because it’s so relatable to me.

The song is Billie Eilish’s new song, ‘Everything I Wanted.’ Now, the real message behind the song talks about Billie’s close relationship with her brother, Finneas. However, before I heard about that, the song resonated close to my own thoughts, and I felt close to her with this song, so I’m sticking with my first interpretation – which still is correct, I believe, it’s just more to do with her brother than anything else.

Basically, she sings about having a dream in which she has everything she could ever want. She sings about how for other people, it might be more like a nightmare – this is because her dream is “stepping off the golden” by which she likely means the Golden Gate Bridge, a popular suicide spot. The feeling of death being a dream to achieve is something that I feel a large amount of the time, although I don’t think I’d ever actually do it. It just seems like a nicer place to be than life, a lot of the time.

Apart from that deep, dark message, the flow and gentle rhythm of the song is very peaceful, and is just generally beautiful. Here’s the song if you would like to listen to it yourself! Maybe if you have a different interpretation, you can let me know?

The one and only Billie

As always.

Featured

My First Post – A New Escape?

Hi there!

I’m very shy and awkward; I can’t have a normal conversation, and then people think I’m being a bit rude, but I’m really not.

— Eliot Sumner

Hello, potential reader!

Well, this is my first post. I’d tell you what to expect on here from me, but since I’m not really sure myself, I’ll leave future me to tell you. My idea for starting a blog actually came from a book I’m currently reading – Americanah by Chimamandi Ngozi Adichie – in which the narrator writes a blog on her problems with race, being in America as a non-American Black. So I suppose this blog will cover the troubles I face – not race, more like eternal awkwardness and inability to converse – and how it shapes my life.

Are blog posts supposed to be pages and pages? I suppose it doesn’t really matter what the ‘usual’ is, since I’m not exactly usual. So I’ll end it there. Let’s see where we go!

Me…This…Huh?

Soooooo, you’ve probably noticed that I haven’t posted in a REALLY long time.

I’m sorry 😤. I just don’t really enjoy writing as much as I felt I used to. I think the reason I started my blog was a way for me to say how bad I was feeling, but now that I have other routes that offer more personal responses(although I do love every single person who has bothered to comment), blogging isn’t as fulfilling as it was. So…yeah, I won’t be blogging much anymore.

And once again, I’m sorry about that, but if you’re still interested to hear from me, I do now have an environmental channel(link in bio, the channel is called ‘Save Our Planet’.

Goodbye, and I wish each and everyone one you the best of luck for the future. Love you all.

A State of Mind

I don’t know if I’ve written about this before, but even if I have I’m doing it again because its such a prominent thing for me at the moment.

I don’t give a fuck. About anything. I don’t care about my grades, I don’t care about my health, I don’t care about my cutting.

I don’t know if my studying has gone downhill because I’m in my final year of school and everything is so much harder, and I burnt out or something, or if I just realised that it doesn’t matter. Because grades honestly don’t matter. Sure, if you get better grades, you have more chance of going to university, so more qualifications, so a bigger chance of getting higher paying jobs – but if money doesn’t matter, which to me it really doesn’t, then really getting good grades is pointless.

As to my health and cutting, they’re closely connected I think. I no longer try as hard to maintain a balanced diet or exercise, because I don’t see the point. Life is short, and shorter for some than others.

I just feel…meh.

There’s no other word to describe it.

Anyway, very jolly post😊. If you want, you can check out my YT channel, which I actually do care about, and am enjoying:

https://www.youtube.com/channel/UC-g2DXCZtJyce9eVzUlkGKw

As always.

❤️

The Surprise of Kindness

Before I start this post, I’d just like to say that I’ve started a non-profit YouTube channel for hopefully helping save the environment. If you could check it out and maybe subscribe that would be amazing, I have two videos on there already: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UC-g2DXCZtJyce9eVzUlkGKw. Now onto the post.

This is always a warming story for me to tell. I’m smiling just thinking about it.

It’s the story of my school counselor, who I obviously will not be referring to by name.

The thing, for her she didn’t do anything special, but to me it was everything.

It started maybe 2 months ago, when my cuts were seen by a teacher, and it was suggested that I talk to a counselor. I reluctantly sent an email asking for a meeting, not thinking anything good would come out of it.

Boy was I wrong. Over the next few weeks, I met her every week, and every week I came out of the sessions feeling lighter and more comfortable in my own skin.

Like, I know it’s her job, but I genuinely thought there would be no positives in just talking about my problems, but there honestly was. I recommend this to anyone who’s struggling. It wont work for everyone, but hopefully it can’t help at least one of you to feel a little better.

Thanks for reading!

As always

Exciting Developments!

Hello!

I’m sorry I haven’t posted in a while, but I’m really really excited to tell you that in the days since my last post, I’ve been brewing up an idea, and I’ve now launched it…

My own YouTube channel. Now hold your horses, please don’t think of me badly – “Oh, he’s just another kid wanting to get money from making stupid videos.” No. It’s a channel that will be dedicated to saving the Earth and its environment.

So it would be really nice of you if you could go give my intro video a watch! Also, it’s not a good quality video, and doesn’t have the best sound or anything, but I’m hoping the messages that I give outweigh the negative technical side.

Here’s the link: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UC-g2DXCZtJyce9eVzUlkGKw

Or if that doesn’t work, you can search up my channel, which is called “Save Our Planet”.

I love you guys!

I’ve Been Nominated?!

Award? Nominated? Me? What?! I’m not very good with words, and even more so when I’m nominated for a Sunshine Award, by my first ever follower, Popils. So all I can say is a huge huge thank you. You’re awesome.

Rules:

  • Thank the blogger who nominated you and provide a link to their blog
  • List the rules and display an award logo on your blog post
  • Answer the 11 questions
  • Nominate 11 new blogs
  • Ask nominees 11 new questions

My Answers:

“Why did you start blogging?”

  • I started blogging after reading a book called Americanah by Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie, in which the narrator used her blog as a means to release pressures. That’s exactly what I hoped for when starting my blog, in the hope of maybe raising my happiness level; I’d say to an extent that has happened, even in the short time I’ve been blogging

“Readers are writers, true or false?”

  • Ok, this is really freaky, but I’ve literally just been talking about this in my English class, and I outline it in my dreaded coursework. The idea, constructed by a guy called Roland Barthes in the 1960’s, is that the author doesn’t matter as much as the reader – that without the readers opinion/interpretation of the novel, there’s no point to it, because it’s there to be read, so the readers interpretation is the only one that matters. Barthes called it “The Death of the Author.” So yes, readers are writers, simply because they shape the text they’re reading by how they interpret it.

“What’s the best thing that’s ever happened to you?”

  • Ok I’ll answer this materialistically and cheesily, so I can have two answers, because I can’t choose between these two. Materialist occurrence: there’s this academic competition I’ve competed in called the World Scholars Cup, and there are 3 rounds each season – regionals, globals, and the tournament of champions. Regionals is obviously in your own region, your own country. If you are one of the best teams, you qualify for globals, which takes place at a location somewhere around the world, but usually in Southeast Asia. If you do really well there, you advance to the tournament of champions which is held at Yale University in New Haven. So my biggest achievements have all been to do with this. In 2018, I qualified all the way to the tournament of champions, and out of over 2000 students, I came 69th overall. The next year, at my regional round I came top of my school and 2nd overall out of over 200 students. The next year, at the global round in Beijing, my team and I (3 people per team)came 5th overall from over 4000 students – this was my biggest ever achievement, on a massive global scale, and will never be topped. I still get shivers thinking about it. In terms of cheesy: every time someone talks to me, and at least appears to be interested in me, is the best thing in the world. I often feel very lonely, so when someone cares about me, it makes my heart thump.

“Other than blogging, what else do you like to do?”

  • I like to do a few things, mainly watch YouTube and eat! There’s this one very thought provoking YT channel I always go back to called ‘Jubilee’ which attempts to bring together opposing groups to reconcile and have civil arguments. Check it out!

What’s your bizarre talent?”

  • Hmm…I don’t know if I’d call this a talent, but I can make my ears move backwards and forwards and it looks weird😂.

“What’s the best book you’ve ever read?”

  • This is a hard one. The one I remember best is Holes by Louis Sachar, that always stood out to me, but I don’t know if I would say it’s the best I’ve ever read. I also really liked A Secret History by Donna Tartt. And of course all the Harry Potter books.

“What’s the worst book you’ve ever read?”

  • Without a shadow of a doubt, Heart of Darkness by Joseph Conrad. I get that it’s a classic, and attempts to combat colonialism, while unfortunately lending itself to racism, but it’s just so BORING. It’s a 150 page book, and the first 90 pages, nothing happens. Literally.

“What’s the post on your blog that you’re most proud of?”

  • It has to be “Things Worth Living For” even though it’s not my most popular post or anything, it just makes me feel proud that I managed to scoop myself (with a LOT of outside help)out of a pit that came close to killing me. Sorry for going dark, yikes.

“Classics or contemporary books, which one is better?”

  • Contemporary books for me. Especially with all the dystopia craze that happened a few years ago – Hunger Games, Divergent, Maze Runner, all pretty good series.

Did you watch Game of Thrones? If yes, who should have been on the iron throne and why?”

  • I’ve never watched GoT, but I have seen a replica of the iron throne, and I just know that it has to be someone big who sits on it – I mean come on, can you imagine Dobby the house elf on it? He’d look even tinier than he already is!

“What’s the best compliment you’ve gotten and given?”

  • The best compliment I’ve ever received is probably “You’re a really nice person.” It just made me feel very warm inside. The best compliment I’ve ever given…I don’t know? Actually, when I complimented my counsellor, that was a good moment!

My Nominees:

My Questions:

  • Would you say you’re in a good mindset right now, and why/why not?
  • What is the point, to you, of your own blog?
  • What is the point, to you, of life?
  • Which Harry Potter character do you most relate to?
  • Where do you see yourself in 20 years time?
  • Where do you see the world in 50 years?
  • What is your favourite sport to watch and play?
  • If you could choose one song to represent you as a person, who would it be?
  • What does the word ‘success’ mean to you?
  • Peanut butter – yes or no?
  • And finally, is our world in a good political state at the moment?

I’m honestly mind-boggled that I would be chosen for something like this. I hope you all like my questions…

As always

My Need to be Liked

This is one of my more worrying and frankly irritating traits.

I hate to be disliked. I cannot bear the thought of someone disliking me, and so I will do all I can to make them like me again – or I refrain from talking to them, in an attempt to not annoy them further.

However, this feeling does have levels to it. For instance, if someone I’m not that close to sends signals that they aren’t particularly fond of me, it will affect me, but not NEARLY as much as if it’s someone closer to me.

I get that most people want to be liked by the people close to them, but it feels different with me. It’s like this overwhelming urge to do anything at all to change their feelings towards me.

Maybe it stems from my innate loneliness, and my fear of being left all alone, with no one to talk to. Or maybe I’m just the clingy type. Whatever the reason, it’s bloody annoying.

As always

Songs I Love No. 3

Ok, so this song is a bit different in that it’s not very well known, but I’ve started listening to a lot of obscure music recently. Anyway, this is a beautifully sad song by an angel of a woman called Grace Carter, reminiscing over the decision her father made to choose another person – I believe a lover, although I can’t be sure – over raising herself.

So here is Grace Carter’s ‘Why Her Not Me?’

‘Giving Up’

I’m ever so sorry for not posting on Friday. I’m actually really irritated at myself for messing up my schedule; however, I didn’t want to mess it up even more by posting yesterday, so if you were wondering, that’s why it’s been 4 days. I’ve missed you all!

Ok, let’s get back to business then. This post is going to be about my consistent mindset of giving up, and how I try to tackle that mentality.

The main avenues I tend to give up in are my friendships and my studies.

Because ‘friends’ is such a hard concept for me to work around and understand, I guess it’s unsurprising that I give up easily. By ‘give up’, I mean that I stop trying to think of things to say, don’t go out if I’m invited, and just generally am a bad friend. I’m happy to report that currently I am not feeling those feelings, and part of the reason I didn’t post on Friday (I’m not trying to give excuses hehe)was that I went out for the first time in months, with friends at least.

My ‘give up’ attitude relating to schoolwork is slightly different. You see, for the past however many years of school, I was always looked at by my peers as a top top grade student, and I guess I was in a way. I don’t mean that with any cockiness – to be honest, I don’t think it really meant anything, and I still don’t. The difference now however, is that I am no longer a top achieving student. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not a bad student, I still do pretty well – I’m currently working at an ABB in my A-Levels, which for my largely US-based audience, is I think between 3.5 and 4 (if anyone knows it more accurately, correct me). The things is, I still feel this expectation from my classmates to get an A* in every exam I do. Maybe I’m reverting to my paranoia, and in actual fact, no one cares. Which would be a relief to hear. Anyway, this pressure often makes me study less, because I know I’m not prepared to put in enough work to get the very best grades, so I don’t work very hard at all – currently, I only study between 10-13 hours a week outside of school.

Hopefully that mentality will change soon. Maybe after Christmas, it will hit me that I only have around 4-5 months until I take 8 exams that alter my life course. Until then, I’m in limbo.

I noticed that no one mentioned wanting to hear about my life story etc after my inquisition in my last post. I’m curious if that’s because you don’t think it’s a good fit my blog, or you just didn’t see that particular post? Please give me a heads up, and maybe I can sort out that post for you.

As always

How My Friendships (Don’t)Work

I’m not an easy person to be friends with.

It all goes back to my shyness, awkwardness, and insane desire to never ever do anything wrong.

The biggest problem I have with being friends with someone is the talking part – and I know what you’re going to say, “Harry, isn’t talking the most important part of forming a good friendship?” And you’d be right. You need to talk to someone to understand them as a person and if you’re compatible with each other. And that’s the problem…I’m not very good at talking. Or, more specifically, small talk. I can talk for hours and hours to a friend about a deep topic, whether personal or political (the personal is the political, to be fair), but when it comes to just sitting with a friend and hanging out, I’m rubbish. And that’s where my paranoia kicks in, and starts to ruin the friendship (you can check out my last post Paranoia, to learn more about that). As well as that, I’m always trying to be as careful as I can, in order to not hurt my friends; this in turn has a negative impact, because I just end up not speaking because I worry anything I ever say will be bad in some way.

So, I’m not very good at being an interesting friend, which is quite sad, and honestly irritating for me, because I wish I could at least hold a 5 minute conversation with someone I like. But so be it. It wont change, so there’s no point worrying about it constantly, right?

By the way, I’ve been thinking of this for a while – you guys don’t really know anything about me. If you’d like me to write up a post of my life story, my political views?, my passions and my fears, then please let me know!

As always.

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