The past week has been a bit of a rollercoaster.
I went from seriously wanting to end my life, to now being in a pretty good mindset. Here’s how my week went by.
Last Saturday: I was feeling disgusted by myself, and also felt very lonely. Aswell as that, I was having one of my ‘What’s the point?’ bouts. I cut. I tried, feebly, to kill myself.
Monday: Still feeling gone, until a talk with ‘Isabella’ (read my last post Things Worth Living For to understand), in which she recommended the list idea, which helped SO MUCH.
Wednesday: As I walking to my English class after a fun time playing dodgeball with the whole 6th Form, the Secondary Head called me into her office. She asked me what I thought her job was. I said it was to liaison between staff and principal. She replied ‘No’, telling me how her first responsibility is student welfare/safety/management. She then told me how a teacher had seen what they thought were cuts on my wrist, and asked me if this was true. What could I say but yes? I then assured her that all this was in the past, that I was no longer cutting, that I was done. She said she believed me, but recommended me to see the school counselor. And then came the dreaded news – that my parents would have to be informed. At this point I was crying, but she said she had to, that it was school policy. That afternoon, my parents sat me down (my mother crying)and basically thought it was their fault, which I promised them it wasn’t. I’m lucky to have brilliant parents, so they could never do anything that would cause my bad thoughts. I told them aswell that the cutting was over. I also asked them to try and not act differently around me, because if there’s anything I hate, it’s people pining over me.
Very tumultuous day.
Thursday: I went to see the counselor, who was the NICEST and most helpful person I’ve ever known. I’ve always had a bit of fear and doubt over counselor’s helpfulness, but my mind was completely changed by this meeting. She just talked through everything I’ve ever felt, and made me feel a lot calmer about it all. She also gave me a list of things to do instead of self-harming, which I’ve included a photo of below.
There’s more for Thursday. Later, during lunch, I was called to the other counselor’s office (yes, we have two). When I arrived, my former best friend was sitting in there. We stopped being friends last year…and neither of us really knew why. A lot got lost in translation, and as we are both shy, we didn’t talk about the problems that were happening. But we did that day. We talked through everything that went wrong, and are now good friends again! I must admit, there were a few more tears shed.
So that was my week. I am GLAD I have a week-long holiday now. I just need to rest and relax (aswell as a lot of studying)and get back to school fresh and ready.
Have a good day, everyone!