I don’t know if this is something that a lot of people have, but it is definitely my most worrying quality (after self-harm maybe). My internal monologue.
I have a voice in my brain that speaks to me constantly, making me worried about the past, worried about the present and worried about the future. This voice tells me I’m useless, tells me I’m boring, tells me I’ve done wrong.
Let me give you a few examples.
The most common ‘internal monologue’ that goes on is my constant worrying that I’ve said something wrong, and the person I said that thing to now hates me. The reasoning behind most of these thought processes is flawed. Very flawed. For example, I once borrowed a rubber from someone, and didn’t say thank you. That night, my voice-inside-my-head beat me up, and made me believe that I was the most horrible human being on the planet (this is actually a made up example, but I’m not kidding when I say things very similar to this have happened, and my brain has had this very reaction). This made me send an excessive amount of apology texts to the person in question, who responded, very confused and obviously accepting of my “Sorry’s”.
Another major example is my internal voice making up scenarios. Similar to the first example, these scenarios usually arise from me doing something wrong recently, but also bigger mistakes from the past that actually do matter. Unfortunately, a lot of these scenarios revolve around death, and how everyone would respond. If I’m in a dark mood, then the outcome is usually that no one cares (in the scenario)and life goes on normally. In my lighter moods, the outcome is one of extreme sorrow and anguish from friends and family members (again, in the scenario). I might also add that please don’t worry! I’m definitely not suicidal. My brain just sometimes strays far from reality into dark corners.
The other type of scenario I think up is of a backlash from secrets that I have being revealed, and my closest friends completely abandoning me, seeing me for my ‘true horrible self’ – when I feel sad, I often think of myself as a bad person, when in reality I’m a pretty good person usually (not just a big ego, people do say it to me quite regularly, without me forcing them to I might add :)).
This had also happened on my blog already. Too often, when I reply to someone’s comment, or don’t reply, I feel like I’ve been rude, which may not be true. The comment may not have warranted a reply, just a like (which I do always try to do); the comments I reply to, which is most of them to be fair, I sometimes think are too un-emotional, and seem uncaring, or TOO emotional.
It’s a struggle, but the fact that I’m writing about it, and am aware, surely show that I can deal with it?