Right now, I’m lying on my bedroom floor, writing this, listening to Khalid’s sweet voice playing in the background. I feel calm. I feel safe. This is the place I feel most comfortable.
So it may not come as any surprise that I really dread parties, or even going out anywhere where there will be people I know, that aren’t my family. I am a very simple person. I don’t need glamorous clothes, or expensive…things. I also don’t really need the pressure of talking to people. Parties are the worst thing in the world for someone who gets nervous and anxious going out at all, in case I see someone I know, and have to say ‘Hi’ to them. At parties, the whole point is to talk and laugh and have fun. I love having fun, obviously, and I also love laughing. The problem is, I don’t know how to do it with other people. I guess a positive about my hating parties is the fact that I’m never invited to any. There are SOME positives to being a lonely anxious teen.
I say I’m lonely…I do have friends. I found a niche in the school I’m at. However, the problem is, I’m not really close to any of them. So even going out with them can be stressful. But that’s not the worst of it. The worst of it is when they invite people I DON’T KNOW out with us. It freaks me out. But that’s a story for another time.
I guess one…positive?…negative? is that since I’ve hardly ever gone to a party, I’ve never gotten wasted like so many of my classmates have. Maybe I’ll get laughed at in university for being a ‘drunkard virgin’, or maybe I won’t. I don’t really mind, as long as it means I won’t have had to go through the mind attacks that parties do to me. What I hope though, is that in uni, I’ll go to a party, and I’ll realise my fear of parties is like needles. You know, ultra-scary until you get the injection, and then you realise it’s really not that bad. I hope.
I do a lot of hoping.